Ask A Guy
Am I Overreacting?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over four months. He lives with me at my parents' house, and I love him so very much. He means everything to me. He is a couple years older than me, but he can't sit and have a serious conversation with me. I want to talk to him about how he makes me feel. I feel like I always come after his friends, but when I try to talk about it he will just sarcastically reply, "yep, that's how it is." I also try talking to him about how using my car all the time isn't okay with me when he is running all over the county and leaving me home alone all day and not even calling or texting me to tell me what he is doing. But he freaks out and tries to leave and make a huge deal out of it. Also, when we go out to parties and I see him hanging around other girls and acting all flirty it pisses me off, and all he says is "it's not even like that. You are far worse," when I'm not all over anyone but the girls at the house that we party at all the time. He always freaks out over the smallest things and makes a huge deal out of them, and he tries to say that I'm the one tearing us apart. I try to talk to him about all of this, but I can never get any kind or response. He always acts as if I am overreacting. I don't think I am. I'm confused, and I don't know what to do. Help?
A Bit Confused | age 16 | United States | September 2, 2010
Daniel says...
It doesn't sound like you are overreacting in the slightest; it sounds like your older boyfriend is abusing the fact that he is older than you. What makes this situation even worse is that it sounds like your family is doing him a huge favor by letting him live with you and yet he still takes advantage of the favors he is being given. It doesn't sound like any of this is intentional, though. I believe your boyfriend is just oblivious to anyone other than himself. It's typical of someone in their teens or early 20s. For whatever reason, most people go through a selfish phase in their teen years. Your issue raises a significant question regarding the very foundation of a relationship.
If you can't get your boyfriend to talk about problems with you, only get blown off when you try, and can't get him to give any modicum of respect for you or your things, then are you really in a relationship? Lay everything out on the line and tell him that you have serious concerns about your relationship because you can't get him to discuss any issues with you. If he still maintains that you are blowing things out of proportion, then perhaps you need to consider ending your relationship. If there is nothing serious enough for your boyfriend to discuss things with you, then how is yours a healthy relationship?
This article was originally posted by Daniel in May 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, dating, archive
Figuring It All Out
Hi! There is this guy who I met a few months ago and he is just amazing! He is definitely the nicest guy I have ever met and we are really good friends. He smiles at me all the time, tries to make me laugh, and jokes around with me. If we decide to hang out with our friends, I can't be 10 minutes late without him texting me or calling me to ask where I am. We often chat and when I say I have to go, he begs me to stay and talk to him for a while longer. His brother keeps asking me questions about things only he and I talk about. He is always walking beside me and messes around with me so that when I look at him he just shows off that gorgeous smile of his. The problem is, he has his days when he is extra shy and he can't even look me in the eye. He gets me all confused and I just want to get in his head and find out what he's thinking about.
The other day, when we were hanging out with our friends, a girl friend and I were joking around when he randomly pointed at me and said, "I like you." I was really shocked at first because this is what I have always wanted to hear from him, so I was like "what???" But he took it back and said, "uuuhhh, I'm kidding." I want to know if he is really kidding. I want to make sure he likes me back before I tell him. We are really good friends and I don't want to ruin that. What do you think I should do to show him I like him without being too obvious or just find out if he really does like me back? Or is it too soon to tell him?
Jean | age 19 | Canada | September 1, 2010
Daniel says...
If you're a regular Ask A Guy reader, you know that I rarely (if ever) tell someone to blurt out that they like someone. Figuring out if someone likes you is part of the relationship development process. It creates excitement, intrigue, and interest that drives the two of you to get to know one another better. If you simply blurt it out without any of the development or build-up then that excitement is lost. Excitement is what gets early relationships "over the hump" and develops the kind of knowledge about one another that builds into a more permanent bond.
The best thing for you to do is find opportunities for the two of you to hang out. Give yourselves a chance to get to know one another even better and even hang out alone. It sounds like the two of you get together a lot within larger groups but don't hang out very often in settings where it's just the two of you. See if you can get together at one of your houses to watch a movie. Hanging out in groups is great, but if you're already comfortable hanging out in a group, then you need to push the envelope a bit and get to know him individually. If he does like you, he'll jump at the chance to hang out with you alone - and maybe even make a bit of a move once he's given the chance!
This article was originally posted by Daniel in May 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, showing interest, admitting feelings, archive
Some Time Would Be Nice
I've been seeing a guy, David, for about six months. He is really wonderful and I'm incredibly taken by him - unlike I've ever felt about any other guy. The only problem is that our schedules conflict terribly. I work every morning at six am and he works from nine to four. It would work out fine if he didn't insist on working out for three hours every day. So any time I want to hang out with him that isn't a Saturday night, I literally have to sleep during the day to be able to see him at 9:30 when he gets done working out. It would be fine doing this once in a while if he moved his schedule around for me the other half of the time. Every time I mention the fact that I'm bending over backward, practically going to work in a sleep-deprived coma after every time we hang out, he just says that there's nothing he can do. He insists that by asking him to make his schedule work for me once in a while instead of me always making mine work for him, I'm asking him to "change" himself, and that's not it at all. He then insists that because he picks me up and takes me home or to work every time we hang out, that he is making more than enough effort.
He also mentions the fact that he takes me out to eat "all the time" (apparently once every other week counts as "all the time" now) and just continues saying that he's doing his best. So if that's the case, then how come there hasn't been a single time in the past month that he has picked me up before 8 pm when I have work at 6? I ask him this and he gets defensive, saying I don't give him credit for the things he does do for me. Even though when I talk to him about it I really try to emphasize the fact that I do appreciate all of the things he does do. I'm just pulling my hair out over this. How do I make him see how hard it is for me to hang out with him so late without pissing him off over the fact that I'm unappreciative?
Another problem though, is that he is actually going to be turning 21 here in a few weeks and is planning a trip to Vegas. Which, obviously, I cannot be included in. My problem is that he's staying in a huge suite with 5 other people, two of whom happen to be female!!! Two girls I have never even met staying in the same room with my man for four days!!! I have never even been with him for four days straight!!! When I brought up my concern all he had to say about these girls is that "they're chill". Does he think complementing these girls is supposed to put my mind at ease about this? It's insanity! And I am well aware of the fact that he can't bring me with, because I am not 21 yet and would only hold them back, but it hurts so bad thinking about him making all these wonderful memories on his birthday with these two random girls, and not me. He has never even said anything like " I wish you could go" or "if only you were 21," nothing at all like that. And it makes me sad that I don't know if I would even be able to go with if I was 21.
I don't even know how much more of this I can handle, I feel like having a breakdown every time he mentions his trip. Am I overreacting, or are these genuine concerns that need to be addressed? I'm trying my absolute best to communicate, but it doesn't seem to make a bit of difference. Do I just deal with it, or is there something I can say or do to help put these problems to rest? Please help me Daniel!
Meg | age 17 | Arizona | September 1, 2010
Daniel says...
You have handled things about about as well as you could. When you notice problems, you have communicated them to him and it doesn't sound like you have nagged him about them. You have simply mentioned your problems and tried to work through them with him. What you're getting from him, though, is a complete lack of cooperation. Set aside for the moment the trip to Vegas. Take a look at your relationship from outside the perspective provided by that.
Your boyfriend doesn't appear to be concerned with you, your needs, or your desires at all. Your relationship is all about him. You hang out when it's convenient for him, he is unwilling to alter his schedule or show any respect for what's going on in your life. Even worse, he tries to claim you're trying to control and change him when you raise valid points about his uncooperative behavior. It sounds as though yours is a relationship of convenience in the eyes of your boyfriend. He is not supportive of you and seems to only pay lip service to the fact that the two of you are, in fact, in a relationship. This behavior is telling...if I were you I would seriously question whether or not he's the right one for you.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in May 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, dating, commitment, archive, making time for one another
Health News - Body, Mind & Soul
In the news this week...- Teens tired from all that texting
- How the internet can make you healthier
- Best Questions To Ask In Your Job Interview
- Flirting Your Way To The Corner Office
Top Stories
Digital Devices Deprive Brain of Needed Downtime (NY TIMES) - ... Cellphones, which in the last few years have become full-fledged computers with high-speed Internet connections, let people relieve the tedium of exercising, the grocery store line, stoplights or lulls in the dinner conversation. The technology makes the tiniest windows of time entertaining, and potentially productive. But scientists point to an unanticipated side effect: when people keep their brains busy with digital input, they are forfeiting downtime that could allow them to better learn and remember information, or come up with new ideas. (Read more)Friends with health benefits: social circles give back (CTV) - Your mother has been urging you to play nice and make friends since playground days. Heck, you're even guilty of pushing your own children toward the sandbox with hopes that they'll thrive socially and make fast pals with the other little girls and boys. Decades later, if you're lucky enough to have close friendships left over from childhood, there's mom to thank. Her play yard prodding is the reason you have someone to cry, laugh and drink with whenever the need or want should arise. But more than that, new research shows that your friends may be the key to good health. (Read more)
Returning to Classrooms, and to Severe Headaches (NY TIMES) - For kids around the country it's back-to-school time. But for many of them, it's also the return of headache season. Doctors say frequent headaches and migraines are among the most common childhood health complaints, yet the problem gets surprisingly little attention from the medical community. Many pediatricians and parents view migraines as an adult condition. And because many children complain of headaches more often during the school year than the summer, parents often think a child is exaggerating symptoms to get out of schoolwork. Often the real issue, say doctors, is that changes in a child's sleep schedule, including getting up early for school and staying up late to study, as well as skipping breakfast, not drinking enough water and weather changes can all trigger migraines when the school year starts. (Read more)
'Super-sized' fits even regular food portions at restaurants (USA TODAY) - Portions at popular chain restaurants are often super-sized servings, even when they are offered as a single entree or regular-sized meal, a new report says. Many hamburgers, steaks, bagels and pasta entrees are at least two times bigger than the government's definition of a serving, according to nutritionists with the Center for Science in the Public Interest, a Washington-D.C.-based consumer group. This is a trend that diet experts have been noticing for years, and it hasn't gotten any better, the group says. "The super-sized portions are super-sizing our bodies," (Read more)
How the internet can make you healthier (THE STAR) - The beauty of the Internet is that you never have to walk alone. It can hook you up with trackers and tools, and a network of support buddies to push, prod and cheer you on. The same technologies that let you gawk at videos of dancing cats or reconnect with what's-his-name from second grade can give you a healthier, hotter (hey, go for it!) body. Here are six proven ways to kick off your own e-health revolution. (Read more)
Multimedia
Melanoma knows no age restriction (CNN) - Early detection and treatment of melanoma skin cancer is critical to saving lives. HLN's Susan Hendricks reports. (Watch video)Teens tired from all that texting (MSNBC) - NBC's Kevin Tibbles joins NBC's Chuck Todd to discuss an ailment they're both familiar with, but is now affecting the younger set: sleep disruptions due to an inability to put down the Blackberry. (Watch video)
Spray tanning to fight cancer (CNN) - A new line of organic spray tanning products is helping one woman feel better in her fight against lymphoma (Watch video)
What you need to know about your period (MSNBC) - From cramps to missed periods, Woman's Day magazine's Amy Brightfield gives the facts of life about your monthly cycle. (Watch video)
Baby revived after mom's touch (CNN) - A premature baby with no vital signs defies oddsand survives. Seven Network reports. (Watch video)
Love bread? You need the 'Carb Lovers Diet' (MSNBC) - Frances Largeman-Roth and Ellen Kunes, authors of the 'The Carb Lovers Diet' reveal how eating your favorite carbohydrates "like pasta, potato chips and bread" can actually make you happier, healthier and thinner. (Watch video)
Lifetime with Pauline Chan : Afternoon blahs (CTV) - Some people use coffee, cola or chocolate for afternoon boosts. But there are other ways. Pauline Chan has more. (Watch video)
Study says pot relieves pain (CNN) - A new Canadian study suggests smoking pot can relieve pain without creating a high. CTV reports. (Watch video)
Lifestyle
Teens on Facebook GOL (grumble out loud) as mothers become friends (LA TIMES) - Mothers have found a even better way to humiliate their children than showing baby pictures: becoming a friend on Facebook. Like the cyber version of being picked up in an uncool car, teens are now mortified by nagging chats and clueless comments left by their mothers on their online profiles. Nearly a third of Facebook teens are ready to unfriend their parents on the social networking site and are twice as likely to want to avoid Mom as Dad, according to an AOL study released Tuesday. "The moms like to overshare about things like menopause that their kids want nothing to do with or know anything about," said Jeanne Leitenberg, 27, who with a friend, Erika Brooks Adickman, 28, launched a site last year called "Oh Crap! My Parents Joined Facebook." (Read more)Best Questions To Ask In Your Job Interview (FORBES) - Anyone who's ever been on a job interview knows the pause: The moment when the interviewer's q&as come to a stop, she looks you in the eyes and says: "And do you have any questions for me?" Preparing for that crossroads in the interview is crucial, say recruiters and hiring managers. It's the time to turn the table. And you don't want to be caught off-guard with crickets in your head. You'll appear indifferent, or worse, clueless. (Read more)
Fall Fashion - What Do Girls Want? (NY TIMES) - One morning early this month, Kate Ciepluch, the fashion director of the online retailer Shopbop, assembled members of her buying team in a conference room in the company's offices on Broadway in SoHo. Everyone in attendance was in her 20s or early 30s; Ms. Ciepluch, blonde and tomboyish and dressed in chinos and a denim jacket with the sleeves cut off, is 28. She was a freshman at the University of Wisconsin in Madison when she started at the company, in its original Bop store, then moved to New York to become a buyer after it went online, in 2000. (Read more)
Off The beaten Path...
Help for Women Who Are Forced to Get Pregnant (TIME) - The old stereotype of the gold-digging hussy who gets pregnant to trap a man into marriage seems to have faded, probably because women are not as economically dependent on men as they once were. But that's not to say that pregnancy is no longer being wielded as a weapon: researchers who work in family planning and with victims of domestic violence say it is women who are now being threatened with pregnancy by their partners. Reproductive coercion, as it's known, takes several forms. (Read more)At 6-Feet, 9-Inches, 14-Year-Old Girl Too Tall for School Bus (FOX) - It's hard enough to fit in as a teenager, but for 14-year-old Elisany Silva from Brazil, blending into the crowd is even tougher because she stands at a staggering 6-feet, 9-inches tall. Elisany, thought to be one of the tallest teenagers in the world, could be suffering from a rare disease that has caused her to tower over the rest of her peers, the Daily Mail reported. But Elisany and her family are not sure exactly what that condition is because they can't afford to see a doctor. (Read more)
Flirting Your Way To The Corner Office (FORBES) - Earlier this year, Samantha, 25, had been feverishly applying for summer internships on Wall Street to no avail. She couldn't seem to get any second-round interviews. A friend suggested they go to happy hour at a bar in New York's financial district and try to network. It was packed with men, so Samantha decided to turn up the charm. She flirted with a few of the bankers. She made eye contact, asked them questions about themselves, leaned in to show her interest and laughed, a lot. It worked. She secured a follow-up coffee meeting with a high-ranking man in the banking industry who helped her land a prestigious summer associate position at his company. (Read more)
News Briefs...
Your Life
- What Every Professional Needs In Her Desk Drawer (FORBES)
- Colleges: New health law may imperil student policies (MSNBC)
- Sad mothers give birth to smaller babies, study finds (TIME)
- How can I get earrings back into closed holes? (CNN)
Your Body
- Weight Index Doesn't Tell the Whole Truth (NY TIMES)
- For the Vegetarians at the Cookout (NY TIMES)
- Is black rice the new brown? (CNN)
- Q&A: Washing produce to reduce pesticides (CONSUMER REPORTS)
Your Health
- What kind of headache is it? (CONSUMER REPORTS)
- Hearing loss spikes in teen girls: U.S. study (CBC)
- Why Activists Alone Can't Stop Obesity (THE ATLANTIC)
- Can Eating Vegetables Prevent Lung Cancer? (TIME)
- More 'empowered' patients question doctors' orders (USA TODAY)
- FDA Proposes Rules for Menu Labeling (THE ATLANTIC)
- Why Do Heavy Drinkers Outlive Nondrinkers? (TIME)
Your World
- Women In Horror Films (FORBES)
- Seven-Year-Old Girl Rides 600 Miles for Charity (THAT'S FIT)
- Recession may have pushed U.S. birth rate to new low (USA TODAY)
- Doctors Heed Call for Books for Afghanistan (NY TIMES)
- Chain-smoking Greeks face tough ban (CTV)
- How do you top fried butter? Try deep-fried beer (THE STAR)
Tags: health nut, health news
Annoying…At First
I have known this guy for more than a year now, we met through friends in common, but to be very honest, I couldn't stand him. Last Christmas at a party, my friends and I noticed he kept looking at me and during a small conversation with a friend about me, short dresses, and how "no one will look at me if i were to wear a short dress anyways," he bluntly responded he would. I made nothing of it all, as usual. He studies abroad and only visits during vacations.
On his last vacation, in April, we began to actually talk...the way he described and seemed to read me like a glass gave me the idea that maybe, he had been "watching me" way before I noticed that Christmas. We started to get along, and decideed to go stargazing on the last day of his vacation. Somehow, we ended up kissing and 'having sex' (no actual coitus...no boyfriend, no sex). He was nice, almost romantic, with kisses, caresses, cuddling...the works. He is back for vacation (we have constantly IM'd ever since), and we met again, this time for a longer period. Once more, intimacy happened...and once more, he was very nice, he really made me feel very comfortable. Later on, we spent time just messing around in the water, talking, kissing, hugging, had a nap, then had something to drink as we engaged in conversation--behavior that I would not expect of someone that only wants sex.
While he has expressed he is not looking for a relationship because of his studies, I truly wonder if more than just sex and/or intimacy, he really likes me. At my age, I've had very little experience in the dating field, and I am not very sure of what to make of his behavior, since I would honestly expect a shorter, even slightly cold treatment if it was only sex. At my age, I still have no idea how to read masculine behavior for the most part. Does he like me? Or he really knows how to play his cards to get what he wants? Please help!!
Curious | age 22 | August 31, 2010
Daniel says...
It's never easy to tell what someone's intention is with respect to relationships, particularly if they are good with words and can talk their way into (or out of) any situation. The proper gauge of this guy's intent, though, is most likely found in his behavior when he's not around. Does he talk to you regularly? Does he flirt with you online and tell you he misses you? Or does he generally ignore you and hold you at arm's length, only to re-establish contact shortly before he returns? When the possibility exists that a guy is only using you for some kind of sexual intimacy the key to gauging the guy's intent lies solely in how he behaves when having sex (or any other kind of physical contact) with you is not possible.
If he is just as friendly when he is away at school as he is when the two of you are at a party together, then it's a safe bet that he likes you. If you have a friend in common, then you should also find out how he treats her because a lot of information can be gleaned from comparing someone's treatment of you to how they treat other people. If he is constantly inserting innuendo into conversations with you and taking opportunities to comment on your attractiveness (like your short dress comment) and he doesn't treat your friend the same way, then this is a good indication that he does like you. On the other hand, if he treats your friend exactly the same way, then he may not be interested in anything more than sex.
Guys do tend to have cold treatment when they are only interested in someone for sex, but that's not a rule. There is truly a guy out there who will do anything so keep your eyes open and be sure to compare how they treat you with how they treat someone else.
Tags: sex, ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, flirting
Out of My League
You've answered so many of my bizarre questions through the years, thank you. I'm back! On to the boy. He's my next-door neighbor and he is amazing. He has beautiful eyes, reads Twilight, helps cook and clean the dishes at my house, and he is one of the most mature, respecting guys I have ever met. We hang out a lot, but he has a girlfriend. I'm okay with this, but my mom is really suspicious now because he hangs out so much with me (usually more than once a day). I feel this is platonic, but my mom doesn't trust him to be...platonic. When we first started hanging out, he kept bugging me about who I liked and if I had a boyfriend. I told him no on both accounts, but he insisted I had to like somebody.
I stood firm, but asked him if he did in spite of his girlfriend, and he said he did like somebody and that it was a girl who none of his friends knew. I don't know his friends. He was firm also in that his girlfriend isn't "the one". He's told me I'm pretty a couple times; I don't think this is okay since he has a girlfriend. Ultimately, I'm not not worried as I don't think he wants to be physical with me. Even though I actually consider myself a pretty girl (just being honest!), I can't compare to him. He is a sweet, funny guy who is really good looking. I don't think my mom needs to be so paranoid as she is now because I don't think he wants a cheap thrill and we have chemistry. Can you clear this up? I'm not really reading much into his motives, but my mom is. What do you think his motives are?
Brown Eyes | age 16 | United States | August 31, 2010
Daniel says...
First, it's not a problem for someone to be attracted to someone other than their girlfriend. We're human - we're bound to be attracted to more than just one person, so don't knock him down a peg or two simply because he might be attracted to you and dating someone else. Regarding his feelings, it is rare that a guy can pursue a friendship with a girl and have it remain platonic for the entire duration of the friendship. That's just not how friendships between guys and girls work. In large part this is because guys rarely pursue friendships with girls to whom they aren't attracted. Based on the conversations the two of you had, I'm fairly certain he is interested in you.
At this point, this interest doesn't surpass his interest in his girlfriend, though. If it did, she wouldn't be his girlfriend. Right now, his motives seem to be as simple as seeing where things go between the two of you...and if things go far enough, he'll probably drop his girlfriend like a bad habit. I'd suggest limiting the amount of time you spend together, though. You definitely seem a little uneasy at the thought of him spending so much time with someone who is not his girlfriend. Explain that to him, tell him you would really like to continue hanging out with him, and let him know that you don't want to give the impression that there is any impropriety between the two of you.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in May 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, gauging interest, guys with girlfriends, archive
Hot and Cold
Hey Daniel, I was hoping you could help me understand what's going on with my ex. We were very good friends before we dated and he broke it off around five months ago. He assured me (of course) that we could be friends. I was pretty upset for quite a while, but I eventually became okay with the situation. However, we're in all our classes together and we travel with the same group of friends, so I've been interacting with him the entire time. We were okay for a while, but now I feel like our friendship is never stable. He swings between hardly speaking to me at all and talking to me whenever he can. A couple weeks ago he'd been really good for a few weeks, so I asked him to prom (very explicitly strictly as friends). He said yes, and then a few days later came back and said he couldn't, since I obviously still liked him and he didn't feel the same way.
We had a long talk about how we both felt and I thought we had cleared everything up. He was great for around two weeks, but now for no clear reason he's regressed again, staying silent when we're together, not starting AIM conversations, and basically ignoring my exsistence. Sorry for the novel....but WHAT is going on?
Rachel | age 18 | Minnesota | August 30, 2010
Daniel says...
Your ex-boyfriend is waffling between enjoying your company and feeling guilty over the end of your relationship. The latter probably makes him feel as though he is remaining too close to you and leading you on. This causes him to back off a little and, after some time passes, start interacting with you because he feels like enough distance has developed. He's holding you at arm's length because he doesn't want either of you to get your hopes up too high and then get hurt. If you are determined to maintain a friendship with this guy, then you need to level with him about what you're observing and what you're feeling. You're seeing him go very hot and cold - tell him that.
You are afraid he's doing it because of how you may be feeling toward him - tell him how you're feeling. Whatever feelings (confusion, concern, damaged pride) you feel when he wavers in his behavior toward you, he needs to know about. Maybe he doesn't need to be your best friend on earth, but acting like you don't exist isn't the outcome you want. Listen to what he has to say, though. It may be that the best thing for the two of you is to take some time apart and focus on developing all your other friendships. After developing some perspective, you could then pursue a friendship with a more open mind - and one less attracted to him as a boyfriend and more as a friend.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in May 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, friends, archive
Getting Him To Leave You Alone
I have this creeper creepin' on me. He keeps texting me and flirting with me and I already told him I'm not interested but he sad he's not going to stop flirting with me. I have two classes with him, and though it's obvious I don't like him and I ignore him, he still keeps texting me. He even tried to give me a hug, when I had only said a few words to him in person. Another time he touched my stomach all creepily. I don't know what to do to get this guy to leave me alone!
amberwamber | age 16 | August 30, 2010
Daniel says...
As odd as it sounds, so far you have handled this situation absolutely correctly. You have tried to tell him exactly what you think about his advances and his flirting. Set aside the fact that he hasn't listened for now. It sounds as though you have been insistent and forceful, yet still pretty nice. That's important because when you take the gloves off, you can be justified in doing so because you have already tried to be friendly in the way you have handled the situation. The best thing to do now is to start completely ignoring him--don't talk to him, don't approach him, don't respond when he talks to you. And when he does try to talk to you, just walk away. You can only be expected to do so much in terms of getting him to leave you alone and his stated refusal to stop flirting with you is evidence that he just likes the attention (any attention) you're giving him.
Once you start ignoring him, it will take a lot of effort on his part to continue talking with you. Plus, eventually your refusal to talk to him will weigh on his ego...he'll give up at some point and probably focus his attention on another girl (though hopefully not). The key to dealing with these situations is not to come out with guns blazing right away but rather to measure your response a bit so you give the guy a chance to recognize that you are not interested and react accordingly. Only after you have given someone a reasonable chance to get their act together should you resort to more heavy-handed techniques like ignorance or just plain telling them to leave you alone. Have patience, though, because this guy will eventually give in.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, saying no
Did My Boyfriend Make Me Lesbian?
Well a little bit about me is that I'm 17 and in my final year of high school. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months and we've had a blast together...except now. He didn't tell me that he had been talking to a girl friend of his over the summer and having problems at the beginning of our relationship about her has always been a problem. Omission still counts lying to me. So I dumped him when he told me I could get used to feeling hurt every time they hung out because he never stopped to compromise and take into consideration what I was feeling. So when Monday rolled around, I just treated him like nothing more than a semi friend. When I jumped around from group of friends to another and giving him the bare minimum attention. He even questioned me as to why I wasn't really talking to him. I should of told him right then that that is what the single life is. If we aren't dating, then you aren't a priority. A couple days passed, until finally I was just relaxing at home and my mom came into the room to tell me he was outside. I though she was lying, but when I opened the door and looked down there he was. He didn't tell his parents that he had walked to my house but he finally came around that he wanted to hear what I had to say and compromise. Things worked out and we are together now, but trusting him hasn't been easy and now I'm getting confused. I love him, but I'm starting to question my sexuality now. When I'm with him I'm happy, but away from him it just isn't the same. I don't know if it's everything that's happened that making me feel this way... I also don't know if I should tell him because I don't want to hurt his feelings... I don't know if these feelings will change over time.anonymous | age 17 | August 30, 2010
JamieG says...
I'm having a bit of a hard time figuring out exactly what your question is, but I'll give it my best shot. To the best of my knowledge and experience, breaking up with your boyfriend is not something that will "turn" you into a lesbian (if for no other reason than that nobody "turns" gay). I mean, look at it this way: If having a bad experience with a person of a particular gender was enough to cause you to no longer be attracted to anyone of that gender, there would be very few people in the world who were having sex at all, and our species would have died out long ago. Personally, I would've become a lesbian sometime during middle school, and probably would've given up on women fairly shortly thereafter.If you really are attracted to women, though - which is not at all a question I can answer for you - it is still entirely possible to remain interested in men. Most people are at least a little bit bisexual, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Also keep in mind that you're only 17. Your sexuality is still growing and developing. Maybe you're just curious about other women, and you'll realize that the attraction is superficial and nothing else. Maybe you really are bisexual, and you'll realize that over time. (That, as an aside, is why I hate labels so much. Can't a person just like/love/sleep with whomever they want, regardless of their position on what many regard to be an incomplete, limiting, falsely created gender binary? But that's neither here nor there.)
As far as your boyfriend is concerned: Do you tell him about every other guy that you're attracted to? Do you expect him to tell you about every other person he finds attractive? If so, while personally I don't think that that sounds like a very healthy relationship, you should probably tell him that you find some women attractive. If not, I don't see how it really matters unless you decide to act on those impulses, in which case it still doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship if you're attempting monogamy (which it seems like you are).
About your relationship with your boyfriend in general, though, give him a chance to redeem himself if you want to, and if you think that he actually is going to change. But also keep in mind that, if it took you actually breaking up with him for him to be willing to compromise about seeing a girl with whom there is apparently some preexisting tension, is that something that's going to repeat in the future? Is that something that you're willing to put up with?
Tags: relationships, sexuality, attraction, sex ed, homosexuality
Dating Should Be Fun
Hey Daniel,
There is this guy that I think likes me. My brother, my sister, and my cousin think that he likes me, too, but I'm not sure. If both of us are standing in a group of people he will come over and stand really close to me. Also he's always lightly pushing me just so I will push him back. Then he pretends he is mad. So I say I'm sorry and ask if he wants a hug. We were watching a movie and he came and sat beside me. We both had our feet propped up on a footstool and he kept pushing mine off. Oh, and he told me to add him on Facebook and go on when I get home. He gave me like 20 hugs over the weekend and he even asked my parents if they needed help with anything. I really like him and I think he likes me, too, but I'm not exactly sure because he's giving me mixed signals! What do I do and do you think he likes me?
Kiali | age 13 | August 29, 2010
Daniel says...
I'm really not sure what "mixed signals" you're talking about because every behavior he makes toward you is filled with some level of flirtation, innuendo, or sign of interest. Yes, I think he's interested in you and I can't tell why you don't see the same when you look back over his behavior toward you. When a guy is interested in a girl, it is fairly common for him to want to be in contact with her. Whether it's communicative contact (emailing, texting, talking online) or physical contact (touching, poking, hugging, acting angry so you console him), a guy who likes a girl wants to know he's on her mind. Sometimes his behavior can go a bit over the top to the point where he is always doing something to the girl and never giving her a chance to miss him, but the fact remains that frequent contact initiated by the guy is a key sign that he is interested in her.
Guys want to know that their efforts are paying off...but don't get too anxious to do so. When a guy pursues a girl, it's a sign that he wants to work for her attention. If the girl "gives in" and shows she is interested too quickly, it may kill some of the fun in the guy's eyes. I would recommend approaching things slowly and letting him continue flirting with you. It's clear he likes you but take your time and let him pursue you. Eventually he will ask you out once he sees that you are flirting with him and correctly interprets that you like him just like he has feelings for you. Most importantly, have fun with this. Dating, hanging out with boys, and having boyfriends is supposed to be fun!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, gauging interest