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Training Your Parents

Contrary to popular belief (or is it salacious rumor?), your parents do not actually suck more than anyone else's. And your BFF Stacy's parents aren't as "cool" as you make them out to be when you are arguing with your parents. Conflict with parents is commonplace for kids - whether you are 10, 13, or 35 - and this is particularly true of the teenage years. But how do you manage these conflicts? What should you do when you've had your fill of your parents' closed-mindedness? Stay tuned, because I'm going to be covering some common conflicts with your parents, how to manage them, and some advice for how to approach your relationship with your parents. As you'll see, it's all about mindset.

Your Parents Aren't Monsters

Let me start by saying that everyone (and I do mean everyone) has some level of conflict with their parents. Compared to other people I knew in school, my teenage years were pretty non-controversial. But with that said, I still experienced my fair share of conflicts. Regardless of what their general outlook on their kids' behavior may be, parents have certain beliefs that guide how their kids should act. At the same time, teenagers are in a time of their life where they want to establish increasing levels of individuality and self-reliance. Couple this with the fact that your parents can remember changing your diapers and you depending on them for everything as if it was yesterday and you have a ready-made recipe for tension and conflict.

As embarrassing, mean, or restrictive as your parents may be, you have to realize that they aren't trying to hurt you. Well, in some of the more twisted cases you see on the evening news, they may be trying to hurt kids, but in 99% of cases, they aren't seeking to hurt their kids. The viewpoints they have are held out of love and a desire to protect you. Fear not, though. Your opinions and wishes do matter and there are ways you can win your parents over. Sometimes it takes a while and sometimes it is as simple as being smart about how you phrase a response or request.

Getting Started

The first thing every teenager needs to realize is that "everyone else is doing it" will get you as far along as a light jog in concrete shoes. Your parents don't care what everyone else is doing or even what your friends are doing. Their only goal is to protect you and ensure that you have everything you need to succeed. If your parents object to something you must be prepared to calmly give them the information they need in a logical way without insulting anyone in order to gain any ground.

In a lot of ways, you need to approach parental conflict like something of a business transaction. Letting emotions get too involved will only muddy the waters and force everyone to defend their position to an even greater degree.

Don'ts (or "How to Lose Before You Even Get Started")

There are some behaviors that automatically stack the deck against you, so you need to be very meticulous about your behavior when approaching a disagreement with your parents. If your parents suspect you aren't being straight-forward with them, you won't get anywhere. So before you wade into the waters of conflict with your parents, keep a few things in mind.

Rolling your eyes is a big-time no-no. I've often wondered if there is some genetic mutation that occurs when puberty starts that suddenly provides the ability for teenagers to roll their eyes. I know I did it, my friends did it, my siblings did it, and quite frankly, I can't think of a time when it did anything other than royally piss a parent off.

Unfortunately, turning your back to roll your eyes won't work either. I'm not sure if parents simultaneously mutate to be able to see through teenagers' heads or if it's just really poor body language on the part of the teenager, but parents can see that, too.

Never, under any circumstances, swear at your parents. Some families are more relaxed about swearing than others, but that honestly doesn't matter. Whether you cannot typically get away with saying, "gosh, darn it" or you are accustomed to letting an occasional "shit" or f-bomb fly, swear words have a societal construct that puts people on edge when they hear them. Don't try to be the person who changes societal attitudes toward swearing - it's not going to happen. Just accept that swearing isn't going to get you what you want and learn how to negotiate without it.

If you do swear at your parents, they will immediately tense up and you will be less likely to sway their opinion. And no, it doesn't matter that they swear on occasion themselves. In the mind of a parent, it's about respect. Being sworn at by their child, someone they raised, nurtured, and provided for, is a sign of disrespect similar to Shakespearean thumb bite.

Curfew

Perhaps the most basic of all teenage-parent quarrels is over curfew. Teenagers want the freedom they feel they have earned and parents don't want their kids' grades to suffer. There is also some apprehension about the thought of their teenage kids out doing who-knows-what into the wee hours of the morning. But negotiating a curfew doesn't have to be the painful process it has been in the past.

Remember that it's all about respect. If you approach your parents with a logical curfew request - and can back it up with adequate supporting information, they will be much more likely to agree.

From the parents' perspective, it's not about the curfews other kids have. They have their own parents and their own rules, so their realities are of no significance. Think about it this way: what have you done to deserve a later curfew? Maybe you've been on the honor roll for two or three or four straight semesters. If you can convince your parents that you are managing your school work and taking care of your grades, then that will help you.

Are you involved in any extra-curricular activities that take up your time? Extra curricular activities look great on a college application, but they also take up time you could be spending with your friends. If you're staying on top of your school work and spending a lot of time in some school-sponsored activities, then you can request that your parents allow you to stay out a little later on the nights when you aren't so busy.

"Where Are You Going?"

Or, in some cases, "where do you think you're going?" Both of these sentences make just about any teenager cringe. As much as we would all like to tip-toe out of the house without really having to answer that question, keep in mind that your parents are usually responsible for your actions. No one likes to think about something bad happening (like a car crash or a party getting busted), but the fact of the matter is, bad things do happen. If something does happen and they don't know where you are, that reflects poorly on them.

When faced with this type of question, it is important that you respond respectfully and informatively. At the same time, you can still maintain some privacy. There is a fine line between telling your parents everything and telling them what they need to know.

If you're headed to your friend's house, respond with something like: "I'm going to my friend Sarah's house - you've met Sarah before "several girls are getting together to watch a movie." If your parents are particularly nosy and want to know which movie, you can simply respond that you aren't sure. If they push regarding the other friends who will be there, you can respond with a couple names of people who might be there, but by no means do you need to feel compelled to give an all-encompassing list.

The thing to keep in mind is that giving your parents some information will make you seem helpful and informative, but giving them nothing will make it seem like you have something to hide and only arouse their suspicion.

"I don't like your friends."

This statement can apply equally to your boyfriend. Just about everybody has a friend who their parents think is trouble. And parents are almost preordained to dislike their daughter's boyfriend. But this is also a situation that, with some careful planning, can be managed. When your parents look at a friend or boyfriend, they see the potential problems (behavior, grades, attitude) that are evident in that person.

In this scenario, your goal needs to be to help your parents see what is good about the person - what you like about them or what drew you to them. Maybe they are a genuinely nice person who's just a little rough around the edges. Or maybe they're really funny and their humor is sometimes viewed as being a little off-color or disrespectful.

The first thing you need to find out is why your parents don't like the person in question. It's impossible to convince them they are misguided in their opinion if you don't even know the source of their disapproval.

Once you figure out why your parents don't approve of whoever it is, try to put the focus on the positive aspects of your friend. Don't ignore the truth, though. If your friend did something bad, then you have to be willing to accept that your parents may always be skeptical of them. But if your parents feelings are simply based on an errant belief then that is something you can fix.

"You can't wear that."

Bad news first: as much as it pains me to say, as someone who is financially dependent upon your parents, you owe it to them to not wear anything they find offensive. What if you buy your own clothes? Well, if that's the case, then I say good for you, but that is not the entire picture of financial dependence. Who pays when you go to the doctor? Who pays for your car and your insurance? Who makes sure you have a roof over your head and a pantry with enough food in it? I'm guessing the answer to most of these questions will be your parents. Unfortunately, as long as you depend on them, you owe them a certain degree of deference with regard to dress.

With that said, if your parents cannot outline anything offensive about your outfit, then they owe you deference in allowing you to dress how you want. Many parents just don't understand current fashion trends. At the same time, teenagers are often known for being completely unable to realize how their clothing choices affect others' perception of them. If you walk around with your pants hanging below your butt cheeks (guys) or wearing a skirt so short everyone behind you gets an NC-17 show (girls), that is neither good for your reputation nor will it attract the kind of people that are really worth hanging out with.

The first thing you need to do when approached with disapproval regarding your outfit is find out what, specifically, your parents don't like about it. Don't taint the conversation by referring specifically to anything - keep things general and ask what they don't like about your outfit. If they respond that you are showing too much leg, then offer to compromise by wearing tights or leggings. Find a compromise that enables you to still wear your favorite item while still giving them the comfort they need.

Sometimes arguments center around little more than parental disapproval of your fashion sense. Maybe your parents don't like the "punk rock" look that seems to be dominating your wardrobe these days. Or maybe your dad is wholly opposed to skinny jeans and thinks they're the ugliest, least flattering, most fashion-blind piece of clothing ever created. When this happens, as long as your parents cannot identify anything that is truly offensive about your style, they owe you the ability to make fashion choices for yourself.

Every parent looks back through their old high school yearbooks and photo albums and wonders "what was I thinking?!?!" about at least an outfit or two. Fashions change over time and everyone deserves the ability to make whatever choices they may like, even if they will be viewed as a fashion train wreck in ten years (tight-rolled jeans and jelly shoes, anyone?). Plus, communicating this fact to your parents will show that you are humble. If you admit that, in 10 years' time, you may very well regret wearing your skin-tight jeans and electric blue eyeliner, that will show that you understand where they are coming from but that you are looking to make your own mistakes.

Wrapping Up

Settling conflicts with your parents is about finding middle ground. You can't win every argument and you certainly can't expect to come out of every argument with exactly what you want. But if you show your parents the respect they deserve and construct sound, logical arguments to support your position, it will be very difficult for them to disagree with you.

Tags: ask a guy, advice, parents, articles

Published on August 15, 2009 by Daniel | Read all recent Ask A Guy articles.