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Just The Friend

I'm going to cut to the chase. Here is my problem: I am ALWAYS just the friend. Don't get me wrong, I love having guy friends but I feel like I am always just the friend. I am an attractive, smart, interesting person with a lot to offer that is more than just friendship. Most of my best friends are guys and they flirt with me and tell me I deserve the best. Some of them even get slightly jealous when I date people - so why am I still the friend?

There have been occasions in which I like one of my guy friends as more than a friend and put out the interested vibe by flirting more and showing more interest but still they never make the move or give me the vibe that they want to be more than friends. So many guys have said to me, "I would be all over you if we weren't such good friends," and things of that nature and it is frustrating that I'm always getting put into the friend category. I have read things about the Ladder Theory or whatever where girls who guys would not consider dating or anything of that nature are "friends" at the bottom of the ladder, but I don't feel like I am at the bottom of the ladder at all. Bottom line, how do I stop being JUST the FRIEND and why am I always just the friend?

guitargrl | age 19 | March 6, 2010

Daniel says...

Part of this problem is one of perspective. You're not "getting put into the friend category" as much as you are putting yourself in the friend category. It's a common occurrence among girls who are friends with guys that they are often frustrated with their lack of relationship prospects. Unless the girl is the group bicycle (everyone gets a ride), she doesn't get physically close to anyone. And even in that case, she may be getting physically close but she's the furthest thing from emotionally close and she isn't actually developing relationships as much as recurring sex partners. What I'm trying to say is that guys have a hard time starting a relationship with people they're too close to. When you set yourself up as "one of the guys," you really do just became one of the guys.

When guys hang around other guys, they're in "friend" mode. They make crass jokes, scratch themselves, watch Die Hard movies, drink beer (if they're old enough) and do other things that guys do. They're in full-on guy mode. When you are hanging out with them in that situation, they aren't thinking of potential relationships; they're thinking of having fun with other guys. As a result, guys stop viewing you as potential relationship material and see you as just a friend. Eventually, some guy will see you as a potential romantic partner, but who knows how long it will take. In order to correct that and speed the process along, you need to not hang out with guys quite as much. You certainly can still hang out with them, but make some female friends and hang out with them, too. Don't be ever-present in their lives and just be around on occasion. Absence will make some guy's heart grow fonder (hopefully the right one).

Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, just the friend

Published on March 6, 2010 by Daniel | Read all recent Ask A Guy articles.