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Gross Generalizations Just Don’t Fit

Can you please help me decode my ex's behaviour? We were together for a couple of months about four years ago. I dumped him because I wasn't in a good place emotionally. Basically, I hurt him a lot. He was head over heels in love with me and treated me like a queen. Throughout all that time I have had relationships with other people but he has always been stuck there in my mind. I tried to make contact multiple times but he was quite hostile toward me. I get the feeling that was because he was still hurt that I hurt him or that he was just kind of bitter about it.

Anyway, we are in touch again through sheer accident (it's a long story). He was extremely flirtatious and sexual toward me and I went along with it because I have feelings for him and, to be quite honest I'm single, I'm free to do what I like and I saw no harm in it since I'm not really looking to get too serious with anyone right now. I got out of something long term a few months back and I am enjoying my free, single life. So I asked him how he felt about this and he said there was someone else he was "hoping to have something with" but that he "didn't know if anything would happen" and that he "sensed the situation with her wasn't good." But he's still apparently hoping as far as I'm aware.

He knows how I feel about him - I love him. However, he has spent the last few days emailing me until the early hours of the morning. Each time we've gone from just talking to getting hot/heavy. I offered to meet up and just have some no-strings fun but he refused! He said he thought he would get attached and wasn't into that kind of thing. It just doesn't make sense. Why would he, as a man, reject no-strings sex when he clearly wants it from me? I mean, I figure he wants it, because why would he become flirtatious/sexual with me otherwise? Nobody does that with someone they don't want to get hot/heavy with and he has told me himself he'd love to do it but just doesn't feel he could.

I also think it's strange he wants something with this other girl and yet he's emailing me all day long. He's not the two-timing/multiple girls all at once type at all and when we were together he was extremely faithful. Help me out here?

anonymous | age 24 | March 7, 2010

Daniel says...

I think you answered your own question here. When you dated this guy you knew him as someone who was extremely faithful, not the "multiple girl" type at all. It's a very logical leap to assume that someone who has a strong sense of faithfulness to his girlfriend would not like the idea of no-strings attached sex because it doesn't involve any manner of faithfulness and can be seen to betray your sense of devotion - whether that devotion is to some moral compass or just to whatever girl you may end up dating long-term. This is a particularly realistic assessment because he admitted as much!!!

When the two of you were emailing one another, this was little more than heavy flirting. It may have been something you wouldn't want anyone else reading, but when you're separated by two computers and who-knows-how-man-miles of wire, it's difficult for it to really get past flirting. You weren't even talking on the phone so you could hear each other's voices. This guy obviously likes you - at least enough to say some fairly racy things to you. He may even be interested in a relationship with you. But at the end of the day, you told him very specifically that if the two of you got together it would be no-strings-attached. You indicated you were not interested in a relationship, both in so many words and by telling him you were only interested in a no-strings-attached rendezvous.

I'd also point out that just because a guy flirts with a girl doesn't mean he necessarily wants to have sex with her. Flirting is ultimately an ego-stroking activity. It's intended to make both people feel more desirable and it's not unheard of for guys or girls to simply use it to boost their self-confidence a little. But really, it doesn't seem to matter all that much whether or not this guy likes you. You don't want a relationship, he doesn't want no-strings-attached sex, and those two viewpoints are mutually exclusive when you two are referring to one another. Should you decide you are interested in a relationship with him, then you can date him and try to develop something more. But thus far, he has unequivocally indicated he is not interested in no-strings-attached.

Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, flirting, gauging interest, no strings attached sex

Published on March 7, 2010 by Daniel | Read all recent Ask A Guy articles.