Ask a Guy
The Ask a Guy columnist is here to provide a guy's opinion on any questions needing a male perspective. Whether you want to know how to ask a guy to a dance, ask a guy out, or just need some masculine insight to your current relationship, this is the place for you to decipher the male psyche!
Now You See Him, Now You Don't. What?
Several years ago, a friend and I met two guys while I was out one night. I dated one of them for a year. About six months after the relationship ended I ran into the other guy. Come to find out the guy I dated had started dating someone else right after me and completely stopped hanging out with his friends or even talking to them. That night, the guy kissed me but I declined when he suggested the party continue at his house. There were a lot of people with us, so it wasn't like he was just trying to get me to go home with him. Months later we ended up sleeping together. It wasn't as if we were hanging out all the time but anytime we were out we'd see what the other was doing, mostly via text messaging. After sleeping together we did speak for a long time and quite frankly I had so many reservations about hooking up with my ex's friend that I didn't care that there was no communication on either end.
I knew the guy was out of both of our lives but it was still weird. So another six months go by and I start seeing the guy more. He didn't really make any advances and we would have a ton of fun together. So we start hanging out, just as friends, most often with his friends or roommate. One night I was too intoxicated to drive and stayed with him. I didn't sleep with him but as soon as I left the next morning, I knew I wanted to. I like sex and I'm 100% okay with my sexuality. Shortly after that, I made it known that I wanted him and he played his cards accordingly. So for several weekends we enjoyed some really great sex and it seemed to be getting better and better. But then out of nowhere, he stops communication. No emails, no text, nothing. So, now I'm in that typical situation where I'm trying to just accept that he's not into me. I knew all along it was a friends with benefits situation, but now that he is turning me down, the rejection is making me feel like we probably weren't really friends at all. As a physically fit, financially and emotionally stable, single girl, being turned down for sex is a hard pill to swallow. But what's really getting me is that I like this guy and love hanging out with him and his friends. Losing all that wasn't worth the sex...no matter how great it was getting.
I feel like addressing this would just make it into a big deal and I don't want to be a drama queen. However, letting him just go isn't a very fun option either. I should probably add that in hindsight, I wish this was the guy I'd liked from the beginning when I met and dated his friend. I just wish I knew what his thinking was for blowing me off. I know....he's just not that into me. But it would be nice to know if it's because I dated his ex friend or because he's met someone new. For him to just disappear seems so unfortunate and yet probably just says he didn't ever respected me in the first place. Am I wrong?
I knew the guy was out of both of our lives but it was still weird. So another six months go by and I start seeing the guy more. He didn't really make any advances and we would have a ton of fun together. So we start hanging out, just as friends, most often with his friends or roommate. One night I was too intoxicated to drive and stayed with him. I didn't sleep with him but as soon as I left the next morning, I knew I wanted to. I like sex and I'm 100% okay with my sexuality. Shortly after that, I made it known that I wanted him and he played his cards accordingly. So for several weekends we enjoyed some really great sex and it seemed to be getting better and better. But then out of nowhere, he stops communication. No emails, no text, nothing. So, now I'm in that typical situation where I'm trying to just accept that he's not into me. I knew all along it was a friends with benefits situation, but now that he is turning me down, the rejection is making me feel like we probably weren't really friends at all. As a physically fit, financially and emotionally stable, single girl, being turned down for sex is a hard pill to swallow. But what's really getting me is that I like this guy and love hanging out with him and his friends. Losing all that wasn't worth the sex...no matter how great it was getting.
I feel like addressing this would just make it into a big deal and I don't want to be a drama queen. However, letting him just go isn't a very fun option either. I should probably add that in hindsight, I wish this was the guy I'd liked from the beginning when I met and dated his friend. I just wish I knew what his thinking was for blowing me off. I know....he's just not that into me. But it would be nice to know if it's because I dated his ex friend or because he's met someone new. For him to just disappear seems so unfortunate and yet probably just says he didn't ever respected me in the first place. Am I wrong?
Daniel says: There very well may have been a lack of respect at play. Logic dictates that if he truly respected you, he would have given you some kind of closure instead of simply cutting off communication entirely. It's fairly safe to say the fact that you dated this guy's friend has nothing to do with his disappearing act. If he was going to avoid you out of respect for his friend, then he wouldn't have had sex with you in the first place - let alone multiple times on multiple different occasions. The most likely conclusion is that he met someone else (someone higher on his ladder) and didn't have the guts to tell you. Or, quite possibly, he didn't feel like he needed to tell you since your relationship had no official status.
I'd chalk this up to one of the many pitfalls of a friends with benefits relationship. Without any emotional connection or commitment, such relationships are prone to sudden endings and broken hearts and it happens a lot more than people realize. The thing to remember is that if you want answers, then you are entitled to them...it's up to you to initiate contact with this guy and get the answers you want.
I'd chalk this up to one of the many pitfalls of a friends with benefits relationship. Without any emotional connection or commitment, such relationships are prone to sudden endings and broken hearts and it happens a lot more than people realize. The thing to remember is that if you want answers, then you are entitled to them...it's up to you to initiate contact with this guy and get the answers you want.
A Sign of Interest?
My friends and I had a barbeque and afterwards one of the guys helped me take a bunch of stuff to my car. He kinda lingered there for a while and we chatted. Before we knew it, it was an hour and a half later! We really haven't had much alone time this summer but we've always hung out in groups. But the last two occasions, we have ended up being together just the two of us. This time we hung out and he told me about all his ex-girlfriends. Then we went and listened to music in his car for a while. I was very comfortable around him and just had a lot of fun; I didn't want to say goodnight. He then called me the "new Aaron" which is one of his best friends. He was telling me about how after an event they would just hang out and chat for hours about life and such, so he kept calling me the new Aaron and insisted that we had to do this the next chance that we had. We only have one week. I mentioned to my best friend that I wanted a movie night before she left for college. When Zane got word of this he was like, "OOOH movie night, for sure... when?" And so now it's a group thing. My gut feeling is that he might like me. But he is awfully friendly all the time, so I don't know if we have something. What do you think? And some things that he has said make me wonder. Like I said, "hmm, I should give that a chance" and he mumbled something like, "wanna give us a chance?" I laughed and he did, too. Anyway, please help!
Daniel says: This guy is giving all the signs he can that he likes you. He goes out of his way to talk to you, he spends hours of time making himself available to talk to you, he created an opportunity to hang out with you, and he blatantly stated that he wanted to date you. Sure, he was just mumbling, but this is not at all uncommon for guys to do. It gets the thought of a relationship in your mind while still giving him enough plausible deniability to claim he was joking. If I were you, I wouldn't wait until your movie night. Ask him to go to a movie with you before then (Tropic Thunder is really enjoyable). You could go out for a quick meal beforehand or just go for a walk to spend some additional time together. The two of you clearly really enjoy spending time with one another, so the goal here should be to maximize the amount of time you can spend together. And the more intimate or one-on-one you can make the setting, the better.
He Wanted The Break. Why's He So Broken Up About It?
My boyfriend and I have recently starting taking a "break" from each other. For five days, we didn't talk to each other and it gave us time to think. He has been taking this break really, really, really hard even though he is the one who wanted it. We are both starting college together in a few weeks two hours away from home and he said he wanted to date other girls and experience things for himself, hence the reason for the break.
Since our break, he has been absolutely miserable. He contacted me today and told me that he has never felt so wrong about something in his life. We were going on a year of dating soon and I think us being so serious freaked him out. If it were up to me, we would be together. I just don't understand why he feels so horrible if he is the one that made this stupid, immature decision to date other people. He told me that he knows in a few years that this will be the biggest regret of his life. He said he'll regret missing out on all the stuff we were going to experience together while being away from home. My boyfriend also said he has never been this low in his entire life. Can you possibly tell me why he's acting like this? I really have never been so confused in my life.
Since our break, he has been absolutely miserable. He contacted me today and told me that he has never felt so wrong about something in his life. We were going on a year of dating soon and I think us being so serious freaked him out. If it were up to me, we would be together. I just don't understand why he feels so horrible if he is the one that made this stupid, immature decision to date other people. He told me that he knows in a few years that this will be the biggest regret of his life. He said he'll regret missing out on all the stuff we were going to experience together while being away from home. My boyfriend also said he has never been this low in his entire life. Can you possibly tell me why he's acting like this? I really have never been so confused in my life.
Daniel says: Based on your description of his actions, this was what your boyfriend needed to experience. It sounds like he isn't sure what he wants out of a relationship and needs to experience something other than being in a committed relationship. The fact that he's so miserable is probably because he is still adjusting to the reality of his decision. He's become dependent on you over the past year and right now is going through a withdrawal phase. Eventually, he'll either get absolutely fed up with his decision and beg you to take him back or he'll get used to the idea and start adjusting to dating someone else.
The decision you have to make is do you want to take him back? He has obviously hurt you deeply. He may have had his reasons, but whether or not they were really well thought out seems to be questionable at best. It's possible he hasn't damaged your trust but if he has, be very careful before either agreeing to take him back or pursuing a second chance.
The decision you have to make is do you want to take him back? He has obviously hurt you deeply. He may have had his reasons, but whether or not they were really well thought out seems to be questionable at best. It's possible he hasn't damaged your trust but if he has, be very careful before either agreeing to take him back or pursuing a second chance.
Born, raised, and educated in Iowa, Daniel (age 26) now works in Minneapolis as an electrical engineer. Four years of college, three years in the workforce, twelve months in California, eight months of being engaged to the wrong person, and a recent marriage to the right person have taught Daniel a lot about life, love, and the US highway system.