Ask a Guy
The Ask a Guy columnist is here to provide a guy's opinion on any questions needing a male perspective. Whether you want to know how to ask a guy to a dance, ask a guy out, or just need some masculine insight to your current relationship, this is the place for you to decipher the male psyche!
Here's Your Closure
I just found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me, the thing is that I found out after he left for a month. I want some peace of mind, but I can't contact him. How can I get through this next month? It'll be torture because his Facebook still says in a relationship and I want closure because it all hurts so bad. Thanks!
Daniel says: If you are certain your boyfriend is cheating and you have no way of getting in touch with him, then take matters into your own hands. End your relationship on Facebook and even consider removing him from your friends list. If he's not on your list, then you won't see his Facebook page and therefore you won't be bothered by it. This is certainly an aggressive course of action; in most cases, I would advise waiting until you can resolve things face-to-face. You owe your relationship that much. But if this is truly eating you up and not allowing you any peace of mind, then you are perfectly justified in resolving things on your own.
It's understandable that you are hurt very badly, but be careful that you don't overreact or take matters too seriously. How long have you been dating? If you have been dating for a long time (a year or more), then you may owe it to him to wait, anyway. If that's the case, then use the time to start getting over him. You can't see him for a month anyway, so consider it a test run for being single. If you haven't been dating all that long and he still couldn't keep his hands to himself, then perhaps you don't need to worry about the formalities of breaking up...consider it done. Either way, start moving past him now. He has hurt you and the longer you dwell on it, the more difficult the healing process will be.
It's understandable that you are hurt very badly, but be careful that you don't overreact or take matters too seriously. How long have you been dating? If you have been dating for a long time (a year or more), then you may owe it to him to wait, anyway. If that's the case, then use the time to start getting over him. You can't see him for a month anyway, so consider it a test run for being single. If you haven't been dating all that long and he still couldn't keep his hands to himself, then perhaps you don't need to worry about the formalities of breaking up...consider it done. Either way, start moving past him now. He has hurt you and the longer you dwell on it, the more difficult the healing process will be.
It's All In The Timing (Ding!)
I was going out with this guy who really makes me laugh and who I really love. The problem was, after six months he never had time to see me and I always had to bring up us spending time together, though he did call me every day. I finally broke it off after he nonchalantly told me another girl was his soul mate and really hurt my feelings. He claimed that he still loved me and wanted to be with me but that he just needed time to get his stuff together. To him this meant getting a job so he could take me out more often. It's been about three weeks and he's basically stopped calling. When he does, he keeps the conversation really short. I also think he's been ignoring my calls, when I used to call him, he would pick up but now he doesn't even bother calling back. One night when I was really mad I told him I wouldn't wait for him to get his stuff together, but then he called and when we spoke he said that he didn't want to give me up because I was the best thing that happened to him in a long time. Despite this, he still doesn't call or act like he wants me. I really love the guy but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've been going on a few dates but I miss him. Should I just give up on him and move on?
Daniel says: First thing's first: whatever your plan is, it should not include dating someone else. Eventually, that's what your plan needs to be, but you are way too hung up on this guy to be able to think clearly and objectively about dating someone else. You talk about how great this guy is for half your submission and talk about how much he has hurt you in the other half. This internal conflict you are feeling can only be resolved with time. And carrying that baggage into a new relationship is no way to work past it. In fact, it will only serve to prolong your healing process and, in doing so, hurt any chance you have at a normal "next" relationship.
As for what you should do, it's clear this guy isn't pursuing you. He seemed really into you for a while, then underwent a change in behavior. His change of behavior was followed by some malevolent desire to be "better" for you, but this was unfortunately followed by him nearly cutting off all contact with you. Is this how a guy treats a girl who he actually wants to be with? I don't think so. In fact, his admission to you that some other girl is his soul mate pretty much guarantees that he's trying to string you along until he figures out whether he has a chance with this other girl. Give this guy the boot, he clearly doesn't want you enough to make being with you a priority.
As for what you should do, it's clear this guy isn't pursuing you. He seemed really into you for a while, then underwent a change in behavior. His change of behavior was followed by some malevolent desire to be "better" for you, but this was unfortunately followed by him nearly cutting off all contact with you. Is this how a guy treats a girl who he actually wants to be with? I don't think so. In fact, his admission to you that some other girl is his soul mate pretty much guarantees that he's trying to string you along until he figures out whether he has a chance with this other girl. Give this guy the boot, he clearly doesn't want you enough to make being with you a priority.
Reader Comments: The Call Back
Daniel,
This is for Jay who was over-analyzing things about the guy she's dating. First of all, you both told each other you had a great time. Secondly, it's normal not to hear from the guy two to three days afterward. Give him some time and space. He's obviously thinking about you since you guys have seen each other five times already. Third, because you didn't stay the night is not a big deal. He may have wanted to spend more time with you that night, the fact that you declined just caught him by surprise. The guy likes you a lot and respected your decision not to stay the night. Don't fret over the fact that you haven't heard from him for two days. He could be caught up with work or whatever that kept him busy. Be patient and you'll hear from him. He will call, text, or email you when he's ready to see you. If you try calling him now, it will seem like you're a little too eager. Guys need their space and don't want an overbearing type of girl. Relax.
This is for Jay who was over-analyzing things about the guy she's dating. First of all, you both told each other you had a great time. Secondly, it's normal not to hear from the guy two to three days afterward. Give him some time and space. He's obviously thinking about you since you guys have seen each other five times already. Third, because you didn't stay the night is not a big deal. He may have wanted to spend more time with you that night, the fact that you declined just caught him by surprise. The guy likes you a lot and respected your decision not to stay the night. Don't fret over the fact that you haven't heard from him for two days. He could be caught up with work or whatever that kept him busy. Be patient and you'll hear from him. He will call, text, or email you when he's ready to see you. If you try calling him now, it will seem like you're a little too eager. Guys need their space and don't want an overbearing type of girl. Relax.
Daniel says: Amy is exactly right. "Power in numbers" applies to many things in life and when you have been on five dates with a guy, it is no less true. In addition, if a guy loses respect for you because you don't stay the night, is he really the type of guy you want to spend your time and effort dating? You want to see eye to eye with a guy about the little things and the big things. If a guy drops you simply because you weren't willing to do the nasty quickly enough, then is he worth your trouble?
Have patience. It's called "The Dating Game" for a reason. If it were easy, we'd all be getting married at 16, having kids, and divorce would be a figment of society's imagination.
Have patience. It's called "The Dating Game" for a reason. If it were easy, we'd all be getting married at 16, having kids, and divorce would be a figment of society's imagination.
Ladies hoping for a Daniel siting are likely to spot him commuting to work on his motorcycle, canoeing around Minnesota's infamous waterways, or working his Mr. Fix-It magic around the house. Daniel is reputed for his electrical engineering prowess, his undying loyalty to his friends, and being really, really, ridiculously good-looking in a suit. This contemporary knight has a penchant for the damsel in distress -- whether lost on an unfamiliar street or frustrated by a dead-end relationship, Daniel offers no-nonsense advice you can actually use.